Tuesday, August 21, 2012

In a Loveless Marriage With Children? Tips and Advice That Might Help

Understanding That A Loveless Marriage Can Also Be Detrimental To Your Children: 
I understand that many folks in a loveless marriage feel like they are doing this all for the sake of their kids. And, grated, I don't think that many people would argue that avoiding divorce is the right call. But, some experts will tell you that children would rather come from a broken home than a home that is broken. I'm not entirely sold on this. As a child of divorce and from knowing countless people like myself, I can tell you that most of us wish that our parents had found a way to work things out.

With that said, no child should grow up in a home where there is so much drama and fighting that the child doesn't feel safe or secure. However, this is usually not the case in the emails that I get. In fact, there is often not all that much fighting. Things are usually quite cordial, but not loving. People will often assume that so long as the home is stable and without drama, staying together is optimal for the kids. This could well be true, but demonstrating a marriage without mutual affection, attraction, and love is likely not the marriage that you would like to model for your children either.

When your children marry and begin to set up their married life, there is likely no question that you wish for them to be happy and in a mutually loving relationship. If this was not modeled for them, they might grow up thinking that a marriage devoid of these feelings is normal or acceptable. This is likely not what you want for them.

Everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled in their marriage. You, and your children, are no exception. Of course, the great irony of all of this is that you're making these sacrifices for your children. But, in the process, you might be demonstrating what you don't want for them. You want for them to know what a mutually healthy and satisfying relationship looks like and how it functions and this of course, is a catch 22.

Deciding To Change The Landscape Of Your Loveless Marriage: Prioritizing Your Own Needs And Happiness: I find it very common that people in this situation are in the habit of putting their children (and the needs of those children) first in their line of priorities. This is admirable and understandable. But, you deserve to be happy too. And your children deserve parents who love each other as much as their children. I have seen these loveless unions turn around time and time again. But, the first step in this is accepting that the two of you need regular time together away from your children in order to reignite some of the spark and to rediscover what drew you together in the first place.

Often, when I begin to allude to this, people will say things like "you don't understand. There is nothing there. We just don't love each other anymore. I can't even imagine spending regular time alone with him." In response, I will often ask if things were always this way - even in the beginning. Because, I'm always skeptical that someone would chose this kind of relationship when dating. Usually at this point, the person will admit that things were in fact quite different in the beginning. But, somewhere along the line, something was lost and they fear that there's no way to get it back.

I firmly believe that you can get it back. I have done this in my own life. I can't tell you that it's always easy. But, most of the time it's possible. It's sometimes a gradual process and sometimes you have to take baby steps. But, if you are determined and try to make very small improvements on a repetitive basis, you will often find after some time that your marriage isn't as "loveless" as you once assumed.

Often, the perceived lack of feelings is the direct result of incorrect perceptions, getting into bad habits, of forming habits of neglect. Very often, bringing back awareness and efforts can begin to change this. Yes, it can feel awkward and vulnerable at first. But this is your family we are talking about. This is your life (in which you deserve to be happy, I might add.) It's my experience that there's no reason that you can't be happy within the family that you already have. Yes, it's going to take some work and some changes, but I know first hand that it can be done.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Signs of a Loveless Relationship

Relationships take work and dedication. Falling in love is easy enough, but maintaining a healthy, committed relationship takes work. Unfortunately, if you are one of the many who turn around one day and ask yourself, "Where did the love go?" you aren't alone. Knowing the signs of a loveless relationship can help you decide what you need to do next.

You Spend More Time Apart Than Usual - Every couple should spend some time apart. Healthy relationships consist of two people who are still able to maintain separate identities. However, if you are choosing to spend time away from your partner just to avoid him, then that could signal something is up. People in a loveless relationship will drift apart. They stop doing the things they used to do and may even dread the thought of attending social functions together. 

Conversation Becomes a Struggle - When two people are in love, they enjoy each others company and are excited to talk to each other. Couples in a loveless relationship will find themselves talking less frequently. They may even argue and bicker, making conversation unpleasant. If you start to argue often enough, the two of you eventually avoid conversation altogether. Not being able to talk through your problems, or not wanting to talk about your problems can be a sign that the love has disappeared in the relationship. 

You Become Less Giving - In a healthy, loving relationship, each person gives to the other. For example, you may take him to lunch just out of the blue, or he may bring you home flowers for no special reason. In a loveless relationship, each of you begins to think more about yourself and less about the other person. You may even become selfish, which leads to bigger problems. When each person is only thinking about himself, there is no mutual respect for each other. The relationship can break down very quickly once you become selfish.

You Are Thinking of Calling It Quits - If you are thinking of calling it quits, then it's a good sign that the love is gone. If it doesn't break your heart to lose the other person, then it's time to call it quits and move on with your life. If there are problems that you believe could be addressed, then feel free to work on them with your partner. However, if you've tried to work together and have attended counseling sessions and things still haven't changed for you; then it's time to admit to yourself that maybe the love is gone.



Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to Cope Up With Loveless Marriage

Love is a hard thing to maintain throughout life. While love marriages start with love it is not necessary that the couple stay in love forever. At some point in love marriages people start feeling suffocated, all the things which seemed thrilling earlier, now start seeming like unbearable.  Arranged marriages on the other hand may not start with love but once in love, it may help to keeps it going.

A lot of times people fall out of love or let a certain incident or disappointment break their relationship. If you were in love and now have fallen out of love or are good friends but do not feel an intense love for each other, make a few efforts to keep it amicable if not fiery.

Commit & create your rules

Every couple makes their own rules. There are things that create a barrier; there are things that hurt either partner. Being in a loveless marriage should at least settle on caring for either other’s opinion. For all you know along the way you give chance to your marriage. A loveless marriage can always be revived but it has to be both the partners working for it. Loveless can be amiable but not unbearable. An unbearable marriage will only meet divorce and hating.

Stay friends – Communicate

It is not necessary that you love each other with the same intensity as before. Though such would be perfect but if you feel it has dwindled down, make sure you maintain communication. A dead end is not worth it. Do not discuss topics that don’t really help, instead explore new things together or talk about things like you are friends, ask, tell. It shows that you care or at least are not interested in things just being the way they are. What do you know, at times your partner might just need a helping hand from your end?
Communication left too long can bridge gaps, talk things out.

Do not be rash

Though we have suggested you talk, make sure you don’t get to throwing words and statements around. If things haven’t been pleasant lately, do not push them. Know when to say what in case you lose your temper due to frustration and anger.

Its often we regret what we say in the heat of the moment later. Be wise and think before you speak. You may think the damage repairable but what if your partner takes it badly? Keep your cool while any heated discussions and put your point across diplomatically or better yet, wait for when things have cooled down.

Either move forward by forgiving and forgetting or stop short of destruction.

It’s often that a loveless marriage is because a couple marries for convenience or maybe they are amiable but do not share the intensity of desire or worse, because of an incident that was wrong on a partner’s part. Contemplate if you can live by forgiving if not forgetting or is it ok for you to let go of a relationship for that one incident? Totally your call, but while you may hold it as a grudge, you can still remain friends or maintain civilized mannerism.

A lot couples suffer loveless marriages yet it is not tough to live like companions rather than lovers. If you can do, why not give it a shot? Good Luck!


Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Loveless Marriage

Making Your Marriage Work When You Don't Love Your Spouse

Being married is never easy. When you feel the love is gone, make the effort to stay married anyway. Your family deserves it. 
There are many reasons that people marry. Some people marry for love, some marry for companionship, and others marry for convenience and still others for money. Some couples have an “arranged” marriage where the match was made by their parents. Many people marry because they have unexpectedly become pregnant and the list goes on.

Although there are many reasons people get married in the first place, there are relatively few reasons why people stay married.

Unbelievably some couples actually enjoy their marriage and stay together “till death do they part” because they cannot imagine living without their chosen mate. Some couples stay together for the sake of their children and others stay together for fear of the unknown. No matter the reasoning behind couples choosing to make their marriage work even when they don’t feel love for each other, short of the marriage being an abusive situation, it is a choice that should be applauded and supported by friends and family members. If the choice has been made to continue the marriage in a loveless scenario there are things that can be done to make the union enjoyable for both parties involved.

Remember that you chose this person. Whatever has changed between the beginning of the relationship and current circumstances does not have bearing on the fact you chose to marry your spouse. “In sickness and in health, in good times and bad, until death do you part”. The marriage may have hit a “bad time”. That does not give license to end the marriage. People have to learn to work through the “bad times”. Enduring difficult circumstances is a character building and relationship strengthening opportunity. Learn to embrace the challenges, work through the difficulties and come out stronger for making the effort; this is essential if you want to stay together.

Put your spouse first. It can be difficult, but learning to put your feelings aside and treating your spouse as if they are a top priority will work wonders in the happiness of the home. Some people may ask: “Why do I have to always be the one to put forth the effort?” If this is a question you are asking, ask yourself another one: Do you want your marriage to work or not?

Recall the things you love most about your spouse. There are traits that your spouse possesses that you found charming in the past. Ironically enough they may even be the things that annoy you most now. Take some time to cherish those traits. Learn to love your spouse again and commit to stay together.
To stay together and make a marriage work even if you think you no longer love your spouse can be difficult, but with a positive attitude, a “can do” spirit and a willing heart it is possible to have the happy, loving family of your dreams.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sometimes people chose to stay in a loveless marriage because they have children and they don't want to put the children through a divorce. Other times, financial burdens or limitations keep you from breaking away. Still other times, you are firm in your commitment to your marriage. You believe that marriage is forever and you, quite admirably, don't want to take the easy way out. There are ways to cope with these types of marriages, and I'll offer some tips toward that end. But, I also firmly believe that you don't have to live this way. You can turn a marriage without love completely around with a little bit of effort, openness, and patience. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

Don't Define Your Marriage Based On Others' Expectations: First off, I hate the phrase "loveless marriage." Because this almost implies that there never was any love between the spouses or that there never will be. This is very limiting and this perception doesn't do anything to help your cause. It's far more favorable to accept that your marriage is going through a rough patch right now which is manifesting itself as a lack of intimacy. But, that doesn't mean that you can't manufacture or reignite these feelings. Don't allow yourself to make these types of assumptions because if you do, this becomes your road map and this is a very faulty one that won't lead you anywhere that you really want to go.
Also, don't worry so much about what others think or expect. Your marriage isn't really anyone's business but your own, but the media would have us think that if we aren't all over each other all of the time, there is something wrong with us. With that said, most married couples do have a bond and a commitment that binds them which is based on shared feelings of intimacy, closeness, and understanding. If you lack any of these components, this doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your or that you can't get them back. It just means that you have some work to do. Vow to close out the outside world and not to worry about others expectations of what should make you happy in your marriage. Only you and your spouse can decide that. Don't let others make you feel that you are lacking or that you should do something else to please anyone but yourself. Define what you and your spouse need to be happy and to feel connected and concentrate only on that.

Why You (And Your Family) Deserve So Much More Than A Loveless Marriage: Many people stay in this type of marriage because they think that it's the best thing for the kids or because they "don't want to hurt anyone." But, if you think that your children or your spouse don't catch onto the fact that something is lacking, you're probably mistaken. Children are very perceptive, and parents who aren't affectionate or closely bonded are modeling the type of marriage that your children may well grow up and have. Counselors are very fond of saying that the greatest gift that you can give your child (and to yourself) are two parents who are happy and who love each other. This sounds cliche, but I believe it to be completely accurate.
You and your spouse are modeling how to live, interact, and connect for your children. They will grow up and know no other way than what you are showing them. They may well sense or even witness that your household isn't like others, but it's more likely than not that they'll live (at least on some levels) similarly to you. At the very least, they will have been affected by growing up in a home that lacks laughter and love.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to insinuate that you aren't doing the best that you can for your children. I'm telling you this hoping that you can see that although your intentions are very honorable and unselfish, they may not be as healthy for your children as you had hoped.

Turning Around A Loveless Marriage: If you've found this article, it's highly likely that you and your spouse have gotten into the habit of going through the motions and forgoing intimacy. This is a habit that can be broken, just like any other. But, one of you must make the first move. Since you care enough to research this topic, let that person be you. You may feel quite vulnerable and hesitant to be the one to initiate this, but it's better than just hoping that things will get better without being proactive.
You really have two options here. You can be honest with your spouse, sit them down, and explain that you are troubled by the lack of intimacy in your marriage and want to work with them to change things. Try to make this sound like something that is going to be mutually beneficial and fun, not something that is going to require a lot of "work." You're really trying to get to a place where the two of you can have fun and be upbeat together so try to keep the conversation on this same keel.
The other option that you have is to just begin by changing your own actions. Maybe you don't want to lay your cards on the table yet, but you'd like to start to making some changes with what you can control - yourself. So, you'll be the one to start initiating more intimate gestures. Start small at first. Shoot for loving glances, spontaneous laughter, or the brush of a hand or shoulder. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and move slowly. But, over time, your goal is to slowly improve things so that physical touch and emotional closeness don't feel so foreign and awkward.

Finding Your Own Happiness: While your making these small changes in your marriage, it's important to look at yourself and your own fulfillment and happiness. In short, you can't give what you do not have. You can not be lighthearted and playful with your partner if you're depressed or not fulfilled within your own heart. I often find that if people focus on what makes them happy as an individual (without judging if this is right or wrong), then becoming happy as a couple falls into place more easily. You're more open to receiving pleasure and give and take because you've learned to take responsibility for and to participate in your own happiness. In other words, you don't need for your spouse to provide this for you, but you want them to share this with you and you set it up to make this so.
It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was "loveless," so he threatened to end it. I knew that it wasn't over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage.