Sometimes people chose to stay in a
loveless marriage because they have children and they don't want to put
the children through a divorce. Other times, financial burdens or
limitations keep you from breaking away. Still other times, you are firm
in your commitment to your marriage. You believe that marriage is
forever and you, quite admirably, don't want to take the easy way out.
There are ways to cope with these types of marriages, and I'll offer
some tips toward that end. But, I also firmly believe that you don't
have to live this way. You can turn a marriage without love completely
around with a little bit of effort, openness, and patience. I'll discuss
this more in the following article.
Don't Define Your Marriage Based On Others' Expectations:
First off, I hate the phrase "loveless marriage." Because this almost
implies that there never was any love between the spouses or that there
never will be. This is very limiting and this perception doesn't do
anything to help your cause. It's far more favorable to accept that your
marriage is going through a rough patch right now which is manifesting
itself as a lack of intimacy. But, that doesn't mean that you can't
manufacture or reignite these feelings. Don't allow yourself to make
these types of assumptions because if you do, this becomes your road map
and this is a very faulty one that won't lead you anywhere that you
really want to go.
Also, don't worry so much about what others
think or expect. Your marriage isn't really anyone's business but your
own, but the media would have us think that if we aren't all over each
other all of the time, there is something wrong with us. With that said,
most married couples do have a bond and a commitment that binds them
which is based on shared feelings of intimacy, closeness, and
understanding. If you lack any of these components, this doesn't mean
that there is something wrong with your or that you can't get them back.
It just means that you have some work to do. Vow to close out the
outside world and not to worry about others expectations of what should
make you happy in your marriage. Only you and your spouse can decide
that. Don't let others make you feel that you are lacking or that you
should do something else to please anyone but yourself. Define what you
and your spouse need to be happy and to feel connected and concentrate
only on that.
Why You (And Your Family) Deserve So Much More Than A Loveless Marriage:
Many people stay in this type of marriage because they think that it's
the best thing for the kids or because they "don't want to hurt anyone."
But, if you think that your children or your spouse don't catch onto
the fact that something is lacking, you're probably mistaken. Children
are very perceptive, and parents who aren't affectionate or closely
bonded are modeling the type of marriage that your children may well
grow up and have. Counselors are very fond of saying that the greatest
gift that you can give your child (and to yourself) are two parents who
are happy and who love each other. This sounds cliche, but I believe it
to be completely accurate.
You and your spouse are modeling how to
live, interact, and connect for your children. They will grow up and
know no other way than what you are showing them. They may well sense or
even witness that your household isn't like others, but it's more
likely than not that they'll live (at least on some levels) similarly to
you. At the very least, they will have been affected by growing up in a
home that lacks laughter and love.
I'm not telling you this to
make you feel guilty or to insinuate that you aren't doing the best that
you can for your children. I'm telling you this hoping that you can see
that although your intentions are very honorable and unselfish, they
may not be as healthy for your children as you had hoped.
Turning Around A Loveless Marriage:
If you've found this article, it's highly likely that you and your
spouse have gotten into the habit of going through the motions and
forgoing intimacy. This is a habit that can be broken, just like any
other. But, one of you must make the first move. Since you care enough
to research this topic, let that person be you. You may feel quite
vulnerable and hesitant to be the one to initiate this, but it's better
than just hoping that things will get better without being proactive.
You
really have two options here. You can be honest with your spouse, sit
them down, and explain that you are troubled by the lack of intimacy in
your marriage and want to work with them to change things. Try to make
this sound like something that is going to be mutually beneficial and
fun, not something that is going to require a lot of "work." You're
really trying to get to a place where the two of you can have fun and be
upbeat together so try to keep the conversation on this same keel.
The
other option that you have is to just begin by changing your own
actions. Maybe you don't want to lay your cards on the table yet, but
you'd like to start to making some changes with what you can control -
yourself. So, you'll be the one to start initiating more intimate
gestures. Start small at first. Shoot for loving glances, spontaneous
laughter, or the brush of a hand or shoulder. Don't put too much
pressure on yourself and move slowly. But, over time, your goal is to
slowly improve things so that physical touch and emotional closeness
don't feel so foreign and awkward.
Finding Your Own Happiness:
While your making these small changes in your marriage, it's important
to look at yourself and your own fulfillment and happiness. In short,
you can't give what you do not have. You can not be lighthearted and
playful with your partner if you're depressed or not fulfilled within
your own heart. I often find that if people focus on what makes them
happy as an individual (without judging if this is right or wrong), then
becoming happy as a couple falls into place more easily. You're more
open to receiving pleasure and give and take because you've learned to
take responsibility for and to participate in your own happiness. In
other words, you don't need for your spouse to provide this for you, but
you want them to share this with you and you set it up to make this so.
It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was
"loveless," so he threatened to end it. I knew that it wasn't over for
me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative
emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired.
Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course.
Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to
change the dynamics of our marriage.